Oh Man. Sorry Guys. I Sort of, uh, Already Had Plans.

…or, the Top 10 Bands You’d Think Are Cool To Hang Out With, But Are Actually Dicks

10. Yeasayer

This is the Top 10 member that almost caused Brian and I to come to Skype fisticuffs. I’m not sure what those are, but I would guess it involves a lot of WRITING IN ALL CAPS and heavily exclamation pointing things!!!!!!! And then maybe we’d turn on video chat and beat up our roommates while we make them wear Brian and Chris masks. Good thing I said we almost came to fisticuffs (though I feel like video of that fight would be a pretty good post).

The problem with Yeasayer on this list is that, well, Odd Blood basically fucking rocks. Real hard. It’s my favorite album of probably the last two or three years. Whenever Brian or I can’t think of a post topic, we talk about writing Odd Blood reviews, but then we realize that it would basically be us drooling all over. Sort of like blogging masturbation – it’s fun, but you don’t really get anything out of it after you’re finished (can’t decide whether that pun is intended or not…).

But Yeasayer, despite being awesome, would not be that cool to hang out with. First, they’re from Brooklyn – that pretty much ensures at least a base level of hipster pretension. Also, they look like this:

Oh yeah man...cool, uh, intentionally bleach stained t-shirt.

Being from Brooklyn, it’s also pretty possible they do a lot of cocaine. Which is cool, just not when you’re trying to watch the game or go to some community theater.

9. Hot Chip

Ah, Hot Chip, how we would all love to be ye. Laying down beats like nobody’s business. Grooving in your unnecessary sunglasses and zip-up hoodies and Casio paraphernalia. Surely this is one of the coolest bands you could hope to hang out with!

Well, maybe they would be for a while. But eventually your lack of knowledge of synthesizers would become apparent. And that, unfortunately for you, is when Hot Chip would turn on you. Probably in a sneering, passive-aggressive, elitist manner that would only damage your self-image, but hey, that’s not very cool, and probably not what you’re looking for in a hangout sesh. Also, it might be just be, but it seems like that short guy basically does all the thinking for this band, and everyone else in it just kind of follows his lead. Nobody likes hanging out with that kind of guy.

8. Cobra Starship

More Cobra Starship? You might think that we have some kind of obsession, at this point. This is not exactly the case, it’s just that, coincidentally, this band is super fucking awesome in so many ways that they are probably going to work their way into a lot of posts, until something cooler comes along. (Chromeo, we have our eyes on you…)

Many of you will have seen a Cobra Starship video or two by this point in your lives, and you might be thinking to yourselves that a night in a club with these guys would be pretty cool. They don’t appear to take themselves too seriously, they wear tight pants, and they know how to have a good time! They even know some really hot lesbians! Oh wait.

Wait a sec. Is she… she’s a cop?

You guys have a license for this club, right? Right? Guys? Stop flashing wickedly charming looks at the camera for a sec, if you don’t mind… Kind of a situation here.

Are we going to jail?

7. Sufjan Stevens

Maybe Sufjan wouldn’t be a dick, but I feel like he’d be that guy who makes a ton of obscure allusions that only him and his friends get. Then he’d look at you and you’d have to sort of uncomfortably laugh like you’ve read a bunch of Roman Polanski books and ALSO thought what he said was super funny. Hey, it’s not that bad if it happens once, but I really think it would happen a bunch with Sufjan.

Also, from the few interviews I’ve read, it seems like Sufjan thinks Sufjan is pretty awesome. Which is sort of obnoxious. Illinois was probably one of the best albums of 2005, but it really isn’t the greatest album of all time.

Also, he has a song titled:

A Conjunction Of Drones Simulating The Way In Which Sufjan Stevens Has An Existential Crisis In The Great Godfrey Maze

That should probably convince you.

6. Beck

Again, I don’t think Beck would be a dick. Just SUPER depressing to hang out with. I’m basing my thoughts mostly on Sea Change which, granted, he did write after breaking up with his long term girlfriend. That must have been tough. But that album is one of the mopiest I’ve ever heard (it’s also super good – check it out).

And when Beck isn’t being gloomy (“Time wears away/all the pleasures of the day/all the treasures you could hold”) then he’s talking in Spanish. Which is cool. If you speak Spanish. But Beck seems like the kid that goes to Spain on exchange, then thinks it’s cool to talk in Spanish to people who don’t know Spanish. It’s not.

“Hey Beck! Alice in Wonderland is coming out…want to check it out?”

“Alicia en el país de las maravillas está muy bien, pero prefiero hacer un montón de cocaína y limpio mi apartamento en la actualidad.”

“Yeah…alright man, I’ll call Sufjan.”

Also, Beck is a Scientologist.

5. The Shins

Cool name! Cool band! Garden State was a cool movie! Natalie Portman seems cool!

But I still think The Shins would be pretty uncool guys to hang out with. I have neither good nor funny justification for this.

4. Islands

Islands seems like they would also be pretty cool. Another band that doesn’t take themselves too seriously, they’re smart and creative, and their music kind of rocks.

But again, there’s another whole layer there, and it becomes apparent when you realize that the band is basically entirely the project of Nick Thorburn, or as you may know him, Nick Diamonds. Yep, he changed his last name to one of the most valuable substances on Earth. He also wrote a song about himself (“Rough Gem”), so you know he’s kind of a douche and not, probably, quite the type of guy that would make for a fun, casual, get-together. But wait, there’s more!

Did I mention he’s “inventing” his own sub-genre of music, and it sounds like basically the most pretentious thing ever? Well, he is. And it is.

3. Of Montreal

I really like Of Montreal. And yet, I still suggested them for this list. “But why Chris?” you might be asking yourself. And I would respond that, despite liking them, I completely realize that Of Montreal’s lyrics make No. Fucking. Sense. Also there’s this description of frontman Kevin Barnes’ stage persona from Wikipedia:

He has described Georgie Fruit as a black man in his forties who has undergone multiple sex changes. Georgie, Kevin told Pitchfork Media, was in a funk-rock band called Arousal back in the seventies.

So I really feel a typical hangout-sesh would be of Montreal doing a shit-ton of acid and then just rambling on about random stuff they were seeing while you suggested fun activities:

“There’s a two-for-one at the Zoo today…”

“Ricardo is a raccoon who desires to be human – fettered by the confines of his animatistic forepaws usage”

“Oh…yeah, cool. Um. Does anyone want to order some food?”

“But the horses need to go to the Comptroller’s Office!”

“I keep forgetting about that…maybe we’ll just sit here some more?”

“Who has more acid.”

2. Arcade Fire

Pictured: Cooler than you.

Arcade Fire! Indie rock sensation of the middle 2000′s! Redefined the genre! And, completely full of themselves! To be fair, it’d be kind of hard not to be when your debut album is, far and away, one of the best albums of the decade. But still. Rumors abound of how douchey this band is on tour, and I believe every word. Let’s be clear, this band rocks, but not at hanging out with people like you.

1. Muse

Muse? What?

Believe it. First of all, have you seen Matt Bellamy’s wardrobe? Not a good sign.

This band has the problem of a lot of groups on this list: each one of them is so good at what they do that it’s hard for them to relate to even appreciably-cooler-than-average people like you. What are you going to discuss with guys that compose sweeping musical epics of near-future Orwellian dystopias and the tragic demise of love to machinery? Not fucking much, that’s what.